A Very, Very Special Announcement

Steve Fountain writes:

As you may know, our “I’m Nazarene, too” group started as a small band of like-minded radical left-wing extremists set on destroying the church we love so much (and of course advancing the gay agenda), and while our accomplishments have been remarkable, and while we have added to our ranks all those who should be saved and more, the time has come for us to move to bigger and better things.

Posts and comments on Facebook, no matter how venomous and hateful, can only accomplish so much, and now the time has come for “I’m Nazarene, too” to take the next logical step in our (r)evolution.

Rest assured that you will find this news exciting!

In the weeks to come, “I’m Nazarene, Too” will be transitioning from a mere Facebook group into a full-fledged, legally-recognized, tax-exempt church—in fact several churches—under the umbrella of a brand-new denomination known as “Nazarene II: The Next Generation®, Incorporated, LLC” aka “Naz2: TNG™” and “Naz2™”(“Naz2™” will also be a registered DBA for tax purposes—some details have yet to be ironed out through consultation with our ecclesiastical legal counsel, Bruce Balcolm, and with our two Popes, Dan Boone and Craig Keen—who are both #amazingleaders).

Lately we’ve come to realize that Millennials, and even some X-ers and Boomers, want more than virtual interaction with our group, and we expect that most will be making the shift to our new, improved Nazarene experience.

For now, you probably have questions.

Obviously they will be answered in due course.

Of course there are some details that we have already worked out, such as: membership in the NazToo group automatically means that you’re a member of Naz2, the church.

Let’s be honest—it’s what we’ve all wanted all along, anyways, am I right?

So, while we do not have our creeds or special rules hammered out yet, we will be producing them at our first general assembly, which will be held at our headquarters in fashionable and pleasant Beech Island, SC.

Evan Abla writes:

Some clarification to Steve’s post is in order. I’ve already set up the Headquarters for the new NazToo Church right here in sometimes sunny Dayton, Ohio. We already have our 501c3 and from now on you can all refer to me as Arch Bishop Evan Abla. And the official name of the denomination is Church of the Angry Nazarenes® (CAN™)! Don’t make us angry; you wouldn’t like us if we were angry™. That’s our tagline.

Steve Fountain writes:

After further deliberation and debate, it has been decided that Naz2®, the original and true NazToo denomination, will be headquartered in beautiful South Carolina, while Evan’s derivative and apostate hypermasculine cult will be headquartered above the Mason-Dixon line—in Wyoming or whatever.

Melissa Smith-Wass writes:

Wait…I thought we were going to do something with the property my Uncle is selling/donating in Union county, Indiana? The commune/school/farm/headquarters? If y’all aren’t gonna use it, I will. And I’ll just start my own church while I’m at it. Then when everyone gets tired of you guys, they can come to my nice church. I’ll call it a Church of the Nazarene for All Sinners and Saints®. We’ll be more liturgical and all our Sr. Pastors will be female. Men can still serve–we’ll need support pastors. And we can open an online university–there are plenty of outbuildings to house it in. So, we’ll be A Church of the Nazarene for All Sinners and Saints®, Liberty, Indiana (next to Mounds SRA).

Evan Abla writes:

As I have listened to the things that Steve has said about himself and his new church, I fear that the fountain of heretical teaching is in South Carolina. Steve’s ilk probably wouldn’t even accept Kentucky Blue Fugates at his church.

Steve Fountain writes:

Let it be noted that my church accepts people of all races and sexual orientations, including Blue Fugates (which I’m pretty sure is not a PC term, Evan).

Evan Abla writes:

In the Church of the Angry Nazarenes™, we accept all people, as long as they are the strongest one there is. Our worship is like the Thunderdome; two walk in, one walks out.

Steve Fountain writes:

In an effort to promote unity and conformity in the Body, I am publicly offering Evan’s and Melissa’s churches the opportunity to become congregations associated with the Naz2® denomination, so that we may “By any means necessary, save some™.” I feel sure that in time, both of these errant movements will come home to the church proper. I believe it was Pope Locutus the First who said, “Resistance is futile; you will be assimilated.”

Melissa Smith-Wass writes:

Whatever. I like my odds with the two of you leading things at your churches. We’ll be moving our headquarters/farm/commune to Harmony, Indiana, home of the Old Druid Standing Stones and the Methodist Chapel of St. Mary Daly—their bivocational pastor/Reiki practitioner has wanted to join up with us since she heard the Methodists are splitting. Also, the old abandoned Sapphic Society campground would be a great place to host our doula training and essential oils appreciation and utilization classes. We’ll also be planting a grove of Elder trees where our Earth-focused worship services will be held. When all y’all NazToo folks get tired of Evan’s fight club and Steve’s artisan foodie church–you can come join the matriarchy. I’m a little late to the game, but I think the Ladies of NazToo will come through for me. And the men will follow, because, well, let’s be real–y’all men need us ladies. Maybe more than we need you.

Steve Fountain writes:

My church is not an “artisanal foodie church.” However, individual congregations will be obliged to celebrate the Eucharist in each Sunday (or Saturday evening) service, including an artisanal, locally-sourced sourdough boule (with a gluten-free option) and Pinot Noir (except during Advent, when Beaujolais Nouveau will be de rigueur) or, for those preferring a nonalcoholic option, beet kvass (homemade or purchased from Fab Ferments only) or kombucha (green tea and sorrel with a muscadine second ferment) as the elements, and services will be followed by potluck dinner on the grounds, with dishes consisting of anything folks want to bring, as long as it’s non-GMO, locally-produced, humanely processed, organic, microbe-friendly, slow food. Further, members are quite welcome to eat at McDonald’s and even to shop at WalMart, provided they attend confession and do penance within 7 days. So, NOT an “artisanal foodie church,” Melissa.

Melissa Smith-Wass writes:

The Church of the Nazarene for All Sinners and Saints® will not submit to being a subordinate to any other denomination. We have come a long way, baby, now hear us roar. Also, our new members will receive one of those cool pink p***y hats to wear to services and protests.

 Evan Abla writes:

Neither will the Church of the Angry Nazarenes™ bow down and surrender. We will remain separate but equal. Wait. Separate and superior. Here we stand; we can do no other. And all our new members will receive a pair of those fingerless leather gloves like Rocky Balboa used to wear. Real tough guy stuff. And potential members should know that we have a special Easter Sunday service coming up at CAN™. The first 40 in attendance will receive a complimentary box of 5.56 ammo! Yes, we CAN™!

Steve Fountain writes:

So it appears that this great schism has resulted in a Trinity of NazToo denominations. Members are encouraged to prayerfully consider which tradition they’re inclined to hitch their wagon to, whether it be “Naz2™” or one of those “other” ones (though the choice is obvious). Also, our new members will receive 10 (count them, TEN) heirloom Bradford watermelon seeds AND a copy of Sandor Katz’s Wild Fermentation.

I am sure that you are all as surprised and happy to hear this exciting news as we are. Stay tuned! Great things are ahead for all of us!

One thought on “A Very, Very Special Announcement

  1. This is rich!

    My initial feeling is why would anyone WANT to stay North of the Mason-Dixon Line when they could enjoy the sunny south year-round?

    My prayer is that all flourish, and that the Church of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ be glorified, and that the Father smile on your efforts to reach ” every one”.


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